I Have A Lot To Think About...

On Thursday, I had a doctors appointment with my orthopedic surgeon. I have been having a lot of problems with my knee, and I thought my meniscus was getting caught again.

I told him about the problems I had been having, and he sent me to get an x-ray. A few minutes later, I returned back to his office. He put my x-ray up on the computer screen, and up pooped a image of both my knees side by side. He put his hand over his mouth, and gasped.
He sat in his chair, and wheeled up close to me. He leaned over and looked down at the floor as he whispered, "I wish I could tell you that I have a miracle treatment I could give you, but I can't." He then looked up at me, with a look on his face like he was about to tell me my whole family just died in a horrible accident. I thought to my self "You're about to tell me I need another scope...not that big of a deal. You're kinda over reacting here Doc." Then he said in a very soft voice, "I'm sorry, but you need knee replacements. You just can't put it off any longer." I giggled, trying to mask the fact that it was taking all I had not to start crying uncontrollably in his office. I replied back by saying, "I thought I just needed a scope."
I asked him what had changed from 3 months ago when he told me I needed replacements in a year or two? He answered by explaining that my knees have gotten worse since then. He went back to the x-ray image, and pointed out to me that in my left knee I have a tiny bit of cartilage left, but in my right knee, it's pretty much completely bone on bone. Looking at the image, I was horrified. there was no space at all, it was truly bone on bone.
I felt angry. Here I am on very powerful medicine in the hopes that things will get better! I've been going to the doctors every 2 months getting Remicade infusions for 2 hours, in the hopes that it will keep things from progressing, and it hasn't done a thing?!! I have been feeling miserable because of all the medicine I'm on, and it's all been for nothing?!! How can my knees go from bad to worse in just 3 months, when I've been trying like a mad women to keep them from getting to this point?!
He continued to talk to me, in a very compassionate voice. He said that it would take him 3 months to make the model for my knees, and then I will have the surgery.

I walked out of his office, repeating to myself "Just make it to the car Brittany. just make it to the car!" Just as I was about to get in the elevator, I realized I couldn't make it, and I rushed to the bathroom. As soon as the door was shut, I cried, and cried, and cried. I pulled my self together enough to walk out to the car. Once that door was nice and shut, I sobbed.
In the middle of my sobbing, I realized I needed my rock.
I called Joe on the phone, and he explained that everything was going to be OK, and that he would be by my side no matter what. He told me everything I needed to hear to make me calm down.
I'm so lucky to have him.

Getting knee replacements in it's self isn't bad. It would completely take away the pain in my knees, and I would be able to do things I haven't been able to do in years. Things like, walking for long periods of time without pain, running, riding a bike, getting down on the floor, and so many wonderful things that I dream about doing. The knee replacement would help me to be the mother that I want to be. I'd be able to run and play with my children. Every time my doctor gives me any kind of news, my children are one of the first things to come to my mind. I don't know them yet, but I love them with all my heart.
I want to be a good mother to them.
I want to be a healthy mother for them.

The bad part to getting knee replacements, is that they don't last forever. They usually last 10 years, before they start to break down. When they do, something from the replacement gets released into your body. When that happens, your body will start to attack the replacement. When your body attacks it, the bone that's attached to the replacement starts to melt away. Once that happens, it's time for another replacement. After the 2nd one, your bone is usually too damaged to be able to attach a 3rd knee replacement.
I will probably have 20 years of good knee replacements, and then they will have to take them out. When they do that, they simply fuse the two bones together (the femur and the tibia), and you're pegged legged.

If I get the knee replacement now, I will be pegged legged in my early 40's.
4o is so young. Not to mention, I would loose a good 3 inches off my height when they take them out.

I need to decide if I'm going to get knee replacements in 3 months, or if I should go against my doctors advice, and hold off as long as I possibly can. I feel like I can take more. Yes, I'm in a lot of pain, but I can take more. This is too serious for me to wimp out. I need to hold off until I can absolutely no longer walk.
On the other hand, I want it now. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to sit around and wait to be in more pain. I want to be able to enjoy this time in my life. I will never be 22 again. I'm in my prime, and I want to embrace it.
I want it for Joe. He deserves to have a wife, that can do things, and who isn't held back by pain. Even if it is only for 20 years.
We should be able to be young together.
I have a lot to think about.

When I was growing up, my Dad used to tell me "If you're going to say something bad about someone, say 3 good things about them first." I've always remembered that, and I usually remember to apply it :)
A little while ago, I decided to switch it up a bit.
Whenever something bad happens, or something you're not happy with happens in your life, think of at least 3 things you're grateful for.
So...here I go.
*I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father. I know that he gives us trials because he loves us and wants us to grow. I'm grateful that he has given me this trial. I can already see all the ways it's helping me to grow, and become more like him. My faith has gotten stronger, and has been tested. My compassion for others has grown. My love and appreciation for my husband has grown. I've pondered, and understood the atonement more then I ever have.

*I'm grateful for my family. Yesterday (A very tough day for me), we had family home evening with Joe's family (Every Monday we have family home evening just the two of us, and every Thursday, we have it on skype with his family). They made me laugh, which was the perfect medicine for me. I love that they're always making me laugh. They showed me their support and compassion, which was very comforting to me. Joe's Mom had also sent me a b-day package that I got on Thursday. In it she put little pick me ups to look at when I was having a bad day.
It came just in time.
I'm grateful to all my family. I love them all so much, and it's nice to know I have people who love me.

*I'm so very grateful for my husband. I really don't know where I'd be if I didn't have him. He is always there for me, and he is always by my side. Through the good times, and the challenging times. He doesn't have to be. He's handsome and successful, and I'm sure he wouldn't have a hard time finding a beautiful healthy girl to marry. But he doesn't want that.
He wants ME! He loves ME!
He gives me so much love and support. He is always there to help when I need him, even though he just had a long day at work. He makes me a better person. He is always there to give me a big hug when I need a hug. He is always there to listen to my cry. He's always there to calm my fears, and tell me everything is going to be alright.
He's my rock.
I love him.
And I'm SO grateful for him!

*I'm grateful that I'm not dying of cancer, or something more serious then just needing knee replacements.
Things could be a lot worse, and I'm grateful they're not.

This Past week...

A lot of little things have been going on, but I haven't gotten around to blogging about it. I thought I would just wrap it all up into one big post :0)

Thursday:
Last Thursday I was at the end of my rope with boredom! I had been recovering from my knee surgery, and my days consisted of laying on the couch all day and watching T.V. I tried to do other things like reading a book, a magazine, or doing something crafty, but I was so dizzy from the medicine, that watching T.V. was my only option.
Joe called me a little before he was on his way home from work, and told me to get ready. I was so happy, because I knew that meant I was finally getting out of the house! When he got home he told me that he heard on the radio that a furniture store in Denver was having a sale, and that he went onto their web-site, and found a chair that he thought I would love (I'm currently searching for the perfect chair for my formal living room). I got in the car (with a big smile on my face:), and we drove into the city. He pulled into a parking lot in the middle of Denver and parked the car. He told me to open the glove box and pointed to a card for me to pull out, explaining that it was a picture of the chair. I pulled it out, and saw it was hockey tickets!! It actually took me a second to realize what they were, because I was just trying to find a picture of the chair :)It could not have come any sooner! I was so excited to just be out of the house, and I was totally thrilled that Joe had surprised me by taking me to a hockey game! I say It all the time...But
I LOVE HIM!!!
The tickets were for the 10th row, which was pretty up close and personal. Although the actual seats were horrible! I have no idea where they expect you to put your legs! It was hard for me to sit in them, because I couldn't really bend my knees that well. I would have just dealt with it the whole time, but that wasn't OK for Joe. He wanted me to be comfortable, and to have a good time (have I mentioned that I love him?), so he found someone who worked at the stadium, explained my situation, and they allowed us to move to the handicap row.
The seats were still very good, but the best part was I could put my legs up on the rail, keeping them straight and elevated.We had lots of fun eating hot dogs, cotton candy, watching the game, and spending time together. With every minute that went by, I felt like I was getting more and more of my sanity back! It was a very fun night!

Saturday:
We did a little shopping, and most importantly, we got our house back in order! Joe had done pretty well staying on top of things while I was in bed, but still, the house was in need of some cleaning. The house was slowly making me go crazy as well, so it was very nice to get everything back in it's place. This weekend is our official Spring Cleaning, and I'm so excited!

Monday:
That was the day of my follow up doctors appointment with Dr. Louks. He took my stitches out, and showed my the pictures he took of my knees. I saw my torn meniscus, which was pretty interesting. On one of my knees, the meniscus was actually folded over itself! As for the arthritis, it looked pretty bad. on various parts of my knee, the cartilage creators out, and you can see the bone. On those spots it is bone on bone when I walk...no wonder why I don't like walking :)
I didn't really ask a lot of questions, which I'm kicking my self over now. I just didn't really want to hear the answers. As he was leaving he said that he wanted to see me in 5 weeks, and we will go over my options then. I guess there's not really a lot for me to ask. I need knee replacements now, but I'm too young, so I need to stick it out as long as I possibly can. My doctor thinks that will be in 2 years, but I'm shooting for 5. They last 10 to 20 years, and the second ones don't last as long as the first. That's about it. It's pretty much just a wait and see kinda situation.

Here is what a knee replacement looks like:(photo courtesy of flickr)

Wednesday:
I had my Remicade infusion, which meant that I had to sit in my Doctor's office for 2 hours hooked up to an IV, being pumped full of medicine (I do this every 8 weeks). They upped my dosage from 300 to 500, to see if that would help at all. So far I haven't seen a difference, but I'm still waiting.
After my infusion I went to Ben and Idealia's to drop off the package Darin and Jessica had sent (thank you again!)After that I left to go pick Joe up from work, and we headed home to pick kisses up for her Doctor appointment. They removed her stitches, and the best part was, they removed her satellite!! It was a beautiful moment!We hated that thing...probably not as much as kisses hated it, but we were a close second. She was soooo happy when it came off!

Thursday:
Today we have a winter storm coming through. We are expected to get 8 to 15 inches of snow. Joe is working from home and we are having a nice and quiet snow day together :)That was a long post...and a long week. A fun, busy week!

Brittany's Surgery Wrap-up

We started getting ready for my surgery the night before. First we went to Kohls to get me some comfortable clothes for surgery. When we first walked into Kohls, my eye spotted a fabulous watch, and I stopped to look at it for a second. Then I hurried myself along, leaving the watch behind, because they were closing in 30min, and I had shopping to do. Joe helped me pick out some workout pants, and a new comfortable T-shirt. As we were leaving Kohls, Joe skillfully slid on the watch that I had wanted onto my wrist (It is one of those watches that you kinda just snap onto your wrist)! Then he wished me luck on my surgery.
Joe is just so awesome! He is always taking care of me, making me feel so very loved, and he always gives me little surprises! I love him!After that he took me to T.G.I. Friday's for dinner, because past midnight, I could not eat until after my surgery...so he made sure to get me good and full! It did not hold me over until after my surgery was done (I was starving!), but it was Mmm...good!

I wasn't nervous for my surgery, until we were on the ride over there, but Joe helped calm my nerves.

(Arriving at the hospital)

We were 20min late (we didn't think there would be traffic at 1:30pm...there usually isn't). Once I got there, I had 4 nurses rushing to work on me, and asking me lots of questions, so they could start my surgery on time.

When I was almost ready to leave, they brought Joe in to say bye to me. The nurse had a syringe of sedative in her hand, and she kept telling Joe to say bye to me, because once she put the sedative in my IV, I would be acting funny. Boy was she right! As soon as she did, I started laughing for no real reason! Joe gave me a kiss goodbye, and that is the last thing I remember clearly. After that, everything felt like a dream. I remember being wheeled away, I remember a guy putting a gas mask on my face, and I remember them telling me to switch beds.
I woke up in an unfamiliar room. Everything felt so much like a dream...that I thought it was all just a dream, the surgery and everything. When I woke up, I was so confused and disappointed that this was all actually happening, that I started crying. Then one of the nurses came in and told me Joe was not there...then I really started crying!! She comforted me, and explained that he had to go get a wheelchair for me. The wheelchair place was closing at 5PM and he only had 10 minutes to pick it up once they arranged for the wheelchair prescription. Once the nurse explained this to me I felt better. She left the room exclaiming, "He's a keeper!"

Joe came in a little while later, and I was so happy to see him!

I was in recovery for 2 hours with Joe by my side. I kept wondering why my doctor was not talking to me, and telling me how everything went. Finally he came up to me, and told me that he would explain everything to me at my appointment with him in 7 days. It makes sense now, because I was not 100% there, and that is probably not the time to have a serious conversation with someone. He did talk to Joe though. The news was a little surprising. As far as my 2 torn meniscus...they were more like shredded meniscus. He removed little fragments that were kinda floating around in my knees. He barbecued (that was the word the Doctor actually used) the lining that my Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis had formed, causing my knees to swell and cause pain. He also smoothed out the rough edges on my joints. The surprising news, was he said that the damage was pretty severe, and I could need knee replacements within the next year! I was expecting him to say I had a good 20-30 years before I had to worry about it!
Obviously, this news has been a little hard to swallow. I'm only 21! I can't figure out how it got to this point! I have been avoiding thinking about it too much. I can't wait to talk to my doctor, and get the whole story.

My recovery has been OK. My knees are sore, and I'm a little dizzy from the pain medicine, but it's nothing I can't handle. I have 3 sets of stitches on both of my knees. I know that I don't have the skinniest legs in the world...but I assure you, they are swollen! :0)

Joe has been amazing! He has been by my side helping me with everything, and keeping me company. Last night I slept on the couch, and Joe came down every 2 hours to help me go to the bathroom! He is my Angel, and I am so blessed to have him!

(Joe being my nurse :)

I will give you more up-dates when I have my doctor appointment.

Kisses Surgery Update

A cyst?...Nope!

Kisses' Surgery didn't go quite as we had planned..
(Kisses at her Vet appointment)

(Saying bye to Kisses as we dropped her off for surgery)

At her vet appointment, Her vet informed us that it was a cyst that needed to be removed. Although while he was taking her X-RAYS he discovered there was something else going on. Once he was in surgery with her, he confirmed it was something completely unexpected. He discovered that there is a hole going all the way through the bone of her snout. I hole big enough you can fit a pencil through it. Her body has been trying to get rid of this hole, and in so doing, formed a drainage tract, that constantly leaks out puss....that would be the thing we thought was a simple old cyst.
He said that the hole could be the cause of 2 things, bone cancer, or a pretty severe former injury. One big enough to knock a hole out of her snout. He thinks it is most likely an injury, because if it was cancer, it would be extremely painful, and she would most likely already be gone.
She was abused in her last home, and I'm praying this injury was an accident, and not a sign of the extent of her abuse (she has scars all over her body)
He removed the drainage tract, but basically said there is a good chance her body will form it again, in an effort to try and get rid of the hole. If that happens, we will simply have to keep it cleaned so it does not get infected. I'm of course hoping it does not come back, because that will mean that we spent a pretty penny, kinda for nothing.

Poor Kisses has to wear a satellite around her head for 2 weeks. It breaks my heart to see her constantly run into things (and people), and getting scared.
On a happy note...Kisses' breath is fresh, her teeth are beautiful, and her nails are a lot shorter!
Thumbalina misses her playing buddy (kisses isn't in the mood)...but she at least still has her cuddle buddy! (Kisses is always in the mood to cuddle!)

Kisses is such a trooper and we lover her!

We're off to the surgery room!

Kisses and I, both have surgery coming up.

Kisses surgery is Friday, March 6th. She has a cyst on her nose that doesn't want to go away. We took her to the vet a few months ago and they gave her some antibiotics, and ointment to help treat the cyst. Her vet said that if it comes back, then it means that they are going to have to do surgery to take out the root. We hoped that the antibiotics would take care of it, which they did...but of course it came back. Since then it comes and goes....and comes and goes (sigh).
While she is under, we thought we would go ahead and have her teeth cleaned as well, so she can have some pearly whites to go along with that smile that I love!

My surgery is on Friday, March 13th. I have a torn meniscus in both of my knees, and have for a while now. We found out that I had a torn meniscus, because every time I would bend my knees past a certain point, they would get stuck...flat out stuck! It makes me cringe to think about it. I would usually be able to get it unstuck by my self, but the last time, I wasn't so lucky. It took an ER Doctor (who is also my orthopedic surgeon) to get it unstuck for me. That was a year ago, and ever since then, I have been very careful not to bend them past that certain point. It will be very nice to not have to worry so much anymore.
While my Doctor is all up in my knees, he wants to check them out with his own eyes to see how long they will be able to put off knee replacements. (My Lupus and RA specialist, and my orthopedic surgeon are husband and wife! Isn't that nice?! I feel like they are both working together to make me the best I can be, physically.)
I'm excited for my surgery...and not so excited at the same time. I'm excited to be able to bend my knees, but I'm not excited for the anesthesia and pain medicine (they make me horribly sick, at least they did when I got my shoulder surgery), I'm not excited for the recovery time, and I'm not excited to hear what the Doctor's prognoses is for my knees. I would like to continue to pretend that everything is fine...just fine.
I take comfort in the fact that Joe will be by my side through the surgery, through the recovery...through what ever may come, and for all my life. I love him.

So, we are off to the surgery room...wish us luck!!
Of course I will keep you posted on how the surgeries go!